Ch 1 - A Reckoning

One spring-fresh morning a few months ago I woke up with a head banging hangover complete with desert-dry mouth, racing heart, pounding head, upset stomach and high anxiety. Day ruined.

Why? I curled up in bed and tried putting the pieces back together.

Friday evening had followed our late day ritual, repeated over years and then decades. Cocktails at 5 pm, wine while cooking and eating dinner. Another glass of wine while watching the news (who can watch the news and not drink?) as Bill tidied the kitchen.

I didn't have enough sense to go to bed when Bill did at 9. Instead I toddled upstairs to watch Netflix with - you guessed it - my nightcap of choice - bourbon-and-water-on-the-rocks. One led to the next and before I knew it, it was curtains for me.

What did I watch on Netflix? Beats me.

Did I phone or text anyone? Yep

What was the phone conversation about? I would have had to ask my sister, but that was too embarrassing.

I don't remember making it downstairs to bed.

They say that when you Google, "Do I have a drinking problem?" you undoubtedly do. I didn't bother, cause I knew I wasn't one of them.

Instead I asked myself, "What in the hell was I thinking?" I didn't know then that thinking wasn't part of the equation because ethanol had taken over my brain.

I remember saying that Dry January didn't make sense (seriously, what's the point?) but the honest-to-god truth was I didn't think I could last a month. That morning though, in self-imposed shame I decided to pause my drinking for 34 days. Why 34? That's how long I had before leaving for an Alaska cruise. 

I decided to document this experiment. Join me at the next installment, Ripples, if you are curious about sobriety, think you might have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, or simply want to see where this story leads.

Cheers!

Ch 2 - Ripples

About a year ago a friend announced to our neighborhood book club that she had stopped drinking. We all paused mid-sip while she explained that she had become concerned with her expectation of alcohol with every social event and how her sober version made her happier and healthier.  Hers was a humble declaration offered in trust and for her own accountability. I was struck by her story but it was not mine.

Later, in early April 2022, shortly before beginning my 34-day alcohol-free experiment, a New York Times guest essay, Women, Do We Need An Intervention? caught my eye. I breezed through it and decided the author wasn't speaking to me either. Her message must have hit home though, because a week later, after kicking off the day with a meet-jesus hangover, I went back and read it more carefully. 

Written one year into her own sobriety, Ericka Anderson, the essayist, noted a stunning increase in women's alcohol use disorder (+84% from 2001-2013) and some interesting contributing factors, including targeted marketing by the alcohol industry with products developed for women's consumption.  (See Jane Walker Whisky, Skinny Girl Cocktails and Mommy's Time Out Wine) The #WineMom meme, promoting alcohol to reduce the stress of parenting, has taken off with t-shirts, cocktail napkins, glassware and other paraphernalia. Check out these offerings on Etsy. And at the time of this writing, #winemom has almost 92,000 postings on Instagram. 

What really pisses me off is discovering I've been manipulated. I already went through that with nicotine, having smoked cigarettes for years. I started by believing they made me a more sophisticated teenager and ended up an adult hopelessly hooked on nicotine. It took many painful attempts spanning decades before finally quitting.

You'd think I would have learned, but here I was, once again sucked in by another mega industry, this one convincing me that I deserved a daily alcohol break.

But it wasn't just marketing and memes that led me to this point. My upper middle class family fully embraced the cocktail hour ritual and when I reached young adulthood, my parents welcomed me to the club. It was lovely! Come 5 pm, my father, a kind and generous host, would take orders for wine and mixed drinks and we nibbled on nuts and crackers while discussing the day. I don't recall any of us over-imbibing (well, mostly), at least in those early years, but it was clearly a daily event. Bill and I naturally adopted the same custom in our own home after marrying. Ridiculous as it sounds, it never occurred to me that this wasn't a common practice. I thought this was just one aspect of adulting, like paying the bills and going to the dentist.

Three weeks after my own break up with alcohol I met my book club friend (the only person I knew who had chosen sobriety after habitual drinking) for brunch. She shared her journey in more depth as well as her favorite Quit Lit books, which included Alcohol Explained by William Porter and The Naked Mind by Annie Grace. I told her about We Are the Luckiest, a powerful memoir by Laura McKowen, which I discovered in Ms. Anderson's essay, and we made plans to get together again. I'm thankful for her friendship.

Let's take a minute to appreciate the extraordinary impact of messages transmitted through human connections, media megaphones and common day occurrences. For the better or worse, they ripple through our lives, contributing to the choices we make and the people we become.

This thing is getting real. Come along for the ride as we explore non-alcoholic beverage alternatives..

Ch 3 - 5 pm

Warning: This is a discussion of non-alcoholic beverages and "cocktail hour". If you are triggered by these topics, please move on. 

I had rules. 

I didn't drink 

• when babysitting the grandkids 
• while taking prescription painkillers 
• during pregnancy
• from tiny bottles, flasks or paper bags
• anything blue
• before 5 pm 

I'm not sure where the blue drink taboo came from but the others made sense. If I didn't drink under those circumstances, then I didn't have "a problem". But believe you me, when the much anticipated 5 pm rolled around, nothing stood between me and my wine (or bourbon). This was so a part of my daily routine that I maneuvered like crazy to avoid evening events that didn't (or shouldn't) include drinking. Sure, some were unavoidable, so in those annoying cases, I made up for lost time when I returned home. 

(The idea that this indicates an unhealthy relationship with alcohol only occurred to me while writing this. It's uncanny how cleverly we hide the truth from ourselves.)

But.

5 pm marks the perfect end-of-workday pause. It's a time to relax, reflect, exhale and segue into evening. Does it work without alcohol?

Yes, yes it can. That transition can take many forms. Sometimes I walk my dog or meditate or simply sit on the front porch and watch the birds and squirrels scramble for the last call. (We take feeders in at dusk to discourage hungry bears.) Other times I fix a special drink served in a nice glass to enjoy in good company, even if it's a party of one.

Club soda with a lime wedge doesn't work for me. Neither does diet soda. I prefer something with more character and interest. As soon as I started web searches for NA (non alcoholic) beverages, Google barraged me with suggestions. There are fancy sparkling waters, NA beers, red and white wines with the alcohol removed, pre-mixed elixirs and, incredibly, spirit-less spirits. I read reviews and ordered bottles and cans. I suspect I spent more money on alternative beverages than on those containing alcohol weeks just before. Some are truly revolting and others have become mainstays in my pantry. 

Here's my take on some of the products on the market. (Note: I'm not compensated if you follow the links provided below. Maybe someday?)

Red Wine: Let's kick this to the curb right now. There is no way to produce a satisfying red NA wine. Many swear they have done this, and I'm always willing to try another, but mostly they're weak and sweet or watery and sour. They're also expensive with prices havering around $30/bottle. I've wasted my $$ so you don't have to.

White Wine: I've tried several of these and the best I've discovered is the Sauvignon Blanc produced by Surely. Pour this into a stemmed glass and it's....decent. No, it isn't Sauvignon Blanc. If you lift the glass to your lips with certain wine-y expectations, you'll be sorely disappointed. But this satisfies me. It's also refreshing in a spritzer with club soda and a twist of lemon. 

Sparkling Wines: Surely also makes the best sparkling wine alternatives I've tasted. Why do I say that? They aren't sweet. My favorite is the Brut, but the Sparkling White and Rose are also pleasant. I've always enjoyed the festive nature of sparkling wine, and alcohol-free versions offer the same pleasure. You can purchase them in cans, which is convenient especially since a bottle lasts me days and the carbonation tends to pop the bottle stoppers off in the fridge, creating an amusing treasure hunt among my moldering leftovers and removing the sparkle. Here's a review of Surely wines.

Beer: Hands down, the best NA beer I've tried is produced by Athletic Brewing. Co-founded by Bill Shufelt and head brewer John Walker, Athletic Brewing offers an enormous variety of beers, (45 this year) including lagers, IPAs, sour ales and a pilsner. My favorites are Upside Dawn and Run Wild but I haven't come close to trying them all. If you're watching calories and carbs, I think that NA beer is lower in calories but similar in carbs to alcoholic beer. Check out this article in Food & Wine. 

Spirits: A friend who has not jumped on the sobriety bus and thoroughly enjoys her gin & tonics recommended a NA gin to me. She compared Monday Zero Gin to high end gins and says that, when mixed with Fever Tree Tonic, she can't tell the difference. I had always steered clear of gin because even though I enjoyed the juniper and pepper flavors, one cocktail turned me into a nasty bitch. But I think my friend's right about this. Squeeze in a lime wedge, add a good tonic and it's a decent G&T. While on the Monday website, I also discovered their Zero Alcohol Mezcal. I mix the smoky Mezcal with spicy but not overwhelming Hella Habanero Margarita mix. The margarita mix amps up the carbs but it's a nice treat. 

My go-to spirit, when I was drinking alcohol, was bourbon. There are a few NA bourbons on the market, and all say they're palatable when mixed into a mocktail like an Old Fashioned or a Manhattan. I haven't found one that makes the cut. If I do, I'll update this post. (8/6/2022 update: I just ordered Free Spirits Bourbon. Stay tuned.)

Unusual finds: When I told my son about exploring sobriety, he recommended Hoplark, a sparkling tea made with hops. To be honest, it sounded odd, at best. Until I tried it. There are several varieties made with different teas (black, green, chamomile) and some are hoppier than others. All are refreshing with no sugar or calories. I love these! They're good with a meal or on their own; over ice or straight up. You can find them at Whole Foods or order online.

Have you sensed a trend here? I don't like sweet beverages at all, and prefer complex flavors that make you sit up and take notice. If this also appeals to you, check out Hella's soda and bitters. I really like the no cal, no carb Ginger Turmeric and Dry Aromatic flavors. They're pricey, but the ingredients are lovely. Here's what's in the Ginger Turmeric: Carbonated Water, Natural Flavors, Gentian Root Extract, Hella Aromatic Bitters (Jamaican Allspice, Black Peppercorns, Caraway, Cinnamon Sticks, Cloves, Rose Hips, Angelica Root, Gentian Root, Chinese Star Anise, Chamomile, citric acid, Paprika Oleoresin for color, Turmeric Extract. Sometimes I add a few drops of ginger bitters for extra zing.

I've also tried Curious Elixirs pre-mixed "cocktails". Each variety is numbered with a different flavor profile. A bottle is good for two servings. and costs about $4 to $5 per serving. I enjoyed them - they're good, but just not fabulous enough for me to reorder. This will probably work better for folks who enjoy subtle flavors and don't need a big zap to their tastebuds like me. Here's a review to help you make up your own mind.

Do you have any recommendations? Please leave a comment and let me know. I'm a very willing guinea pig.

Will I continue to experiment with alcoholic beverage substitutes? I have no idea, but for now these are fun and best of all, they help me relax at the end of the day and hit the pillow sober.  

Cause there's no better feeling than waking up alert, clear-headed and ready to take on the day.

Check out the next post here.

Ch 4 - My Lucky Day

 We don't heal in isolation, but in community.

- S. Kelley Harrell

When I decided to stop drinking I had only one friend who had also taken this step. The others were either confirmed party people, life-long teetotalers or folks who could take or leave alcohol. None  could relate to me and vice versa.

My friend, who is now 4 years sober, is a wonderful resource and we connect often. She's supportive and positive and fun. It doesn't hurt that she curses like a dock worker. I wanted more though, to learn from people at different stages of the sobriety journey. So I started looking. 

The pandemic produced one good thing: remote meetings. Zoom, the most popular remote platform, is often rightly maligned for unexpected glitches and challenges for technophobes. Some produce moments of high hilarity as in the iconic "I am not a cat" court recording which never fails to reduce me to helpless laughter/tears. But Zoom encourages connectivity and community on a broad scale and brings together those who are otherwise isolated.

Many sobriety support groups use Zoom to reach and connect members, filling an apparent need that has blossomed in recent years. Is this because sobriety has become a thing? Did the pandemic unleash alcohol dependency on a grand scale and people are now taking stock? Wiser people will figure that out; all I know is, options are available. Some include Alcoholics Anonymous, Sober Sisters Society, Recovery Dharma, Soberistas, The Luckiest Club and others. Some fill specialized niches and many charge a membership fee. 

I considered Alcoholics Anonymous, the widely accepted solution that has worked for many people since its founding in 1935. But I'm agnostic and the organization's patriarchal Christian dogma didn't work for me. I'm also unwilling to call myself an alcoholic. The label implies weakness and self-indulgence and I don't accept that. I believe that alcohol, just like nicotine, performs exactly how it's intended for many of us, through promotion and idealization by the alcohol beverage industry. Finally, although some people need anonymity for personal or professional reasons, it's not important to me. I think it's healthy to shine a spotlight on the sea anchor of alcohol dependency. Thank goodness, though, for the AA recovery program. It has been a godsend for many.

During my first week of sobriety I read  Laura McKowen's candid memoir documenting her sobriety journey, We are the Luckiest - The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life. That led me to the online community,The Luckiest Club (TLC).

Here's how it went: I signed up for the free 3-day trial period, becoming eligible to attend (almost) any of the 35+ available meetings each week. I say almost any because some meetings are for specific demographic groups, men or women only, BIPOC, queer-focused, you get the idea. It's a good thing, creating a safe space for those who need it. The other meetings are open to all.

I sailed through the trial period without ever visiting the site, much less participating in a meeting. Frankly, I was regretting my rush to register. I told myself I didn't have enough time and that this really wasn't for me. It's clear now I resisted because throwing myself in with sobriety seekers - strangers - was clearly an admission that I had an alcohol "problem." But when I received notification that my free 3-day period was over and the monthly subscription ($14 when I enrolled; the cost is higher now) I figured I'd better give it a shot rather than waste a month's worth of dues.

The first meeting had me hooked. It was warm and inclusive and eye-opening. A well-trained "host" (read sobriety counselor) opened the meeting with an Avett Brothers song and led the group with compassion and humor. I kept my mouth shut and listened.

Members represent the full sobriety spectrum, from those who have been sober for years and even decades alongside newbies courageously embarking on that first day. This surprised me - I thought that once you were "cured" you no longer needed to participate in a sobriety support group. It seems I have a lot to learn. 

Meetings start with participants marking sobriety milestones, followed by a quiet time to become centered and present for the ensuing hour. There's usually a reading and sometimes a guest speaker. Then attendees have an opportunity to share a triumph, a setback or maybe simply comment on the reading. Sharing is optional and I didn't speak up until I had attended several meetings.

Every meeting concludes with the leader reminding attendees of the Nine TLC Things, which socked me right in the gut:

1. It is not your fault.
2. It is your responsibility.
3. It is unfair that this is your thing.
4. This is your thing..
5. This will never stop being your thing until you face it.
6. You can't do it alone.
7. Only you can do it
8. You are loved.
9. We will never stop reminding you of these things.

I'm four months in now and am frequently struck by the collective wisdom and humanity emerging from these meetings. People who have been, or are working through, the shame and pain of alcohol habituation don't have time for bullshit. Honest self awareness and caring for others are the name of the game. All I can tell you is that healing through community is magical. That Monday in April when I pushed myself into this space was truly my lucky day.

I hope you stick around for more.

Ch 5 - To Your Health

I embraced sobriety from Day One, I think for a single reason. At my age -  almost 72 - I don't have the luxury of youth to fuck around with my health and relationships. Sobriety felt more like a gift to myself than self-discipline or denial. Long story short? I was ready.

What I was unprepared for, though, were the measurable improvements to my physical and mental health.

Heart

Heart disease runs rampant in my family so I've paid attention to my personal metrics for several years.

My resting or basal heart rate (rhr) has been high, at around 85 beats per minute. The Mayo Clinic says that a normal rhr can range from 60 to 100 beats per minute, but that "a lower heart rate at rest implies more efficient heart function and better cardiovascular fitness".  A Women's Health Initiative study of more than 129K post-menopausal women showed that those with rhr greater than 76 bpm were 26% more likely to have a heart attack or die from one than those with lower. I had tried a number of approaches to lower my RHR (meditation, cardio and HIIT workouts), but to no avail. 

Within a week after stopping drinking my resting hear rate was in the low 70s. Whaaat? 

My blood pressure had been OK, not high enough to merit medication but not optimal either. It tended to land in 125-130 systolic and 75-80 diastolic. I didn't worry since I didn't think I had any control over it, beyond medication. I just wished it were lower.

Since stopping drinking it now fluctuates between 112-118 systolic and 65-75 diastolic. 

My experience floored me so I looked further.  A recent JAMA article cites a study showing that any level of alcohol consumption increases the risk of cardiovascular disease (including hypertension, coronary artery disease, stroke, myocardial infarction, atrial fibrillation and heart failure) and that those risks increase exponentially as consumption rises.

Is this common knowledge or was my head just stuck in the sand? Seems to me this is something people would want to know. It's important to me because  heart disease runs in my family; I'm happy to do whatever it takes to lower my exposure to that risk.

Sleep

For at least 30 years I've been a poor sleeper. Falling asleep was a snap, particularly with my drinking habits. I'd conk out early, around 9 pm, only to awaken 4 or 5 later. I would check the time to decide whether to tough it out or take an OTC sleeping aid like Sominex. Before 2 am? Take the pill. After 2 am? Get up and do something productive or lie there and try, usually unsuccessfully, to fall asleep. Neither option was healthy and I never felt fully rested.

Here's the funny thing: I didn't think I had an alcohol problem; I thought I had a sleep problem. That after dinner nightcap to help me sleep was actually doing just the opposite.

After a couple of alcohol-free weeks I found myself staying up until 10:30 or 11:00. What do I do with all this extra time? Read! I'm a voracious reader again and I know it's time to go to bed when I can't keep my eyes open. I now sleep a solid 7+ hours and wake up refreshed and clear-headed. That's a pretty damn good feeling. It also means I'm getting restorative sleep - not the passing-out version - which our bodies need. Science tells us that restorative sleep is critical for brain health, illness recovery, inflammation reduction, renewal on the cellular level and all sorts of other body functions. I'm here for this!

Anxiety

Here's comes the crazy part: Anxiety has been part of who I am for as long as I can remember, a low frequency hum that could intensify at the drop of a hat, given a change in circumstance or running-wild imagination. Most friends would be surprised to read this as (I think) I'm more known for being easy-going and conciliatory, a peace-maker. But it's true, that anxiety floated just below the surface waiting for a jarring memory or anticipated danger to amp it up. I always felt that catastrophe was just around the corner. The fact that this never actually happened made no difference. Rational thought was irrelevant.

A few weeks after I stopped drinking that hum dissipated and my internal voice became less of a critic and more of a friend, reminding me that disaster isn't imminent. Now I remember to pause, take a breath and stay rooted in the present. 

What happened?

Apparently there is a strong link between alcohol use and anxiety (that pesky science again). When we self medicate with alcohol to alleviate stress, that fight-or-flight response is temporarily dulled, leaving us feeling calm and relaxed. Mission accomplished! Unfortunately, our amazing brains are always seeking equilibrium, and the temporary relief is followed by an opposite reaction, activating neurotransmitters and increasing anxiety. Over time and regular alcohol use, this psychological seesaw creates ongoing anxiety. That's where I was.

Good riddance to self-doubt and apprehension.

Every time that wine witch appears and whispers that I could have just one glass I think about the indisputable ways my health has improved in recent months. She's still at the losing end of the argument.

What next?

This isn't all feel-good fun and games. Sobriety is more than just stopping drinking. It means facing some harsh truths. Honesty's a bitch. Hang with me.